Happy 4th of July, my Ommies! May your day be blessed with good company, good food and good vibes. So here’s a lifestyle tip for you and yours in the hopes of establishing better communication – how are you R E A L L Y looking at people?
I’m serious, take a step back and let’s start again. Take a breath and think about it – how do you hold yourself towards someone when they’re sharing something? Now, how are you holding yourself as you read this? Are you closer to the screen, maybe the eyes narrowed? Maybe your shoulders are hunched up by your ears or your nose is just slightly pinched up. (Or maybe you’re a posture nut like most of our teachers and are sitting here laughing already anticipating what is coming.)
If that was a little wake up call though – just image how that feels to be on the other end of such a gaze! Let me tell you about a little something called Polyvagal Theory or really just an elaborate explanation of fight-or-flight:
The gist – to be open with others, you need to feel safe with others. Bottom line. However we’re slightly hardwired to be on-the-go, ready-at-any-moment, so to speak, due to our ancestors or being wild, mammalian creatures with more survivalist backgrounds.
So what do we do to feel safe? We share – we eat together, we tell stories, we share experiences, we live together and give advice in order to search for a similar open connection between the person we’re interacting with. And this is the money line here – the first line of defense against trusting them and your safety’s trigger is a person’s stare to test if they are “open”.
The amygdala – a funny little part of our brain that governs a more primal mode of being – is the key player. When you first go to speak with someone, in other words being open with them, this piece does a little check on the other person. It looks to see what’s going on with a person’s pupils. Based on if the listener’s eyes are dilated or not, this piece makes a snap, subconscious decision about the openness of this person and in turn regulates a little of how you’ll go about sharing information and interacting with this person. Think cat eyes versus puppy-dog eyes – a slit-eyed black cat glaring at you from afar from a raggedy, old porch or a cute, golden retriever puppy with soppy, big, black eyes staring up at you from laying in a green patch of grass. I’d take the dog, truly, if I were spilling my guts out.
And no – it’s not that extreme of a black-and-white, but this action happens very rapidly and without your conscious attention to it. If you notice yourself shying away from someone or feeling reserved about what you give to them information wise, check their body language – how are they holding themselves? Are the pupils small, lids lowered just a little in questioning? Do they lean towards you or away from you? Subtle actions speak big thoughts.
When you’re ready, see how you hold yourself. Notice the tendencies you have when you’re listening to someone and the way your body is placed in relation to them – trust me, this becomes a fun experiment whenever you go out if you master the art enough anyways. But it’s always good to step back, reflect and take note.
So what can we do if we’d like to seem more friendly or just less pinched-face? When someone is opening up to you remember that it is an honor and privilege to hold that space for them. Sometimes people don’t always remember what’s on each other’s plate and it’s a simple but beautiful task to sit with someone for 10 or so minutes to help them work through what’s going on in their head. Ask someone to hold that space for you even if you feel comfortable. Keep a soft voice and soft features but explain what’s going on in your heart and you might find yourself a little less burdened.
But hey – I’m not trying to be a bummer, it’s 4th of July!~ That was just wise pieces of advice patched together from a group of wonderful women lately that could probably cradle some people’s minds in a little more ease. That said – go have some fun, whatever that means for you this wonderful day – bring peace with you as you go and know that out there someone loves you very dearly.
With love,
W.Y.S.
